Broken Crayons

Mental Illness and suicide is two subjects many people don’t like talking about. May is mental health awareness month. There is a stigma behind mental health issues which has not changed much in many years. People are more aware of mental health issues but society does not seem to want to really have it out in the open. I am by far not an expert and I have to say before I started to really deal with my own mental health issues I was ignorant to how big the numbers are of people who live with it on a daily basis. Now suicide and mental health do not necessarily go hand in hand I will say that. But yes many of those that attempt or who have committed suicide tend to have underlying mental health issues.

Those of us that tend to deal with these mental health and suicidal issues are just like broken crayons to me.I have this picture of what it is like of. Just picture you are going along doing the normal every day things. Something happens, maybe it is not even something you think about at the moment, or maybe it is several things that happen in your life. But out of what feels like nowhere you are not feeling like yourself, you cannot necessarily explain it to anyone but your mind and heart just don’t feel right any more.

Broken Crayons, Bruised Knees - Home | Facebook

Maybe whatever is going on becomes bad enough you start thinking the dark suicidal thoughts. To me that is when we are broken some where. Sometimes we can be put back together with some counseling and or some medications and then things are back to normal. Other times it is just like when you are going along coloring, and that crayon snaps, where you cannot necessarily put it back together. Yes when it comes to mental health you can continue to take medications and continue to go to counseling and they work to help you out. But at times those specific medications are not as effective for a person and that crayon starts cracking and breaking again. This can be the time those dark suicidal thoughts start showing up out of nowhere. This can be a time when a person just acts, they may not even really think about their actions and how those actions effect others. It is not being selfish it is the dark area of the mind taking over. It is that part that says we are not good enough or whatever trash talk our mind likes to do.

Mental Health, Suicide Prevention Event Aims To Promote Healthy Minds

As someone who deals with mental health issues and someone who has been suicidal I know how hard it can be some days. It is hard to share the journey I deal with some days. I also committed suicide 8 or 9 years ago. I am truly here only by the grace of God. But I also know I have to watch my thought process many days, yes I still get dark thoughts that send me down a spiraling road map of thoughts that drag me down. None of this is being selfish, I wasn’t selfish when I had planned suicide nor am I being selfish now when my thought process goes in that direction.

I cannot fathom someone saying it is selfish at times because I know how far gone my mind, my thoughts and my heart was those short years ago. To me it was selfish that I was alive, it was selfish to continue to force people to have to look at me or put up with me. I truly thought I was a burden to those around me. I truly felt I had done wrong or failed those around me. I thought and felt I had done and continued to do my kids wrong every day of my life. I really felt that I had let everyone down by being who I was and that I wasn’t good enough to be a friend, a mom, a daughter, or even an employee for my boss.

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This all comes to the for front to me because someone I know committed suicide just a few days ago. I never would have thought this person would do that. It completely took me off guard and honestly I am still trying to process it as I just found out not even 2 full days ago. Even though this person is someone who is almost like family, hell there was a family aspect to it. Not in the traditional family aspect or even one of my very close friends. He was just family in a non conventional way.

The thing is when someone you know takes his or her own life you start to really think about different things. It is a time when we start to think about last conversations. You wonder what was said, did you miss something, did you tell that person everything you needed to. You start to think of the things that person had done recently that might have shown on light on what they were planning. And you know what maybe there was something that person did or said that was missed but just as likely there wasn’t anything.

Just remember do not beat yourself up. Stop trying to see if you missed something because you cannot change what happened. What you do need to do is reach out to family and close friends of the person who committed suicide. Embrace them and just be there for them. Know that they are probably beating themselves up more than you could even think of at times. They need our support at a time when their world is falling apart and there are probably people distancing themselves because some people really think suicidal idealization is contagious.

World Suicide Prevention Day International Association for Suicide ...
Suicide awareness ribbon

No you cannot catch suicidal thoughts. No talking about suicide does not make a person commit suicide. Honestly talking about suicide might help prevent suicide. But know that not everyone will talk to you about suicidal thoughts they are having and you may never even guess what they are thinking about.

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