I am Powerless

3 months, 13 weeks, 90 days. No matter how I count it, it all stands for the same thing. It is how long I have been on this journey this time at least when I started writing this post, I am farther along now. I know my journey is not unique. I know it is not something new. I know that many have had a harder journey. I probably have had it easier than many others. I did not need a huge rock bottom to get here. I had a few pot holes that brought me here.

This journey has not been easy. It is one I have started over a few times. It is one that I have been in denial for so long. The thing is for most people anything we set out to do takes many tries. The same goes for sobriety, there are so many ups and downs, so many times to fall flat on my face. When someone (also known as a “normy”) amongst some addicts says well just quit or just stop they really do not understand how hard it is.

Hell until I truly saw who I was I had no idea how hard it is to just stop to just quit. I mean I have just jumped from one thing to another for some reason. I cannot even begin to understand outside of the fact I have an addictive personality. Which that is something that has taken me a long time to come to terms with. I always have been one to just act like I have everything under control.

The Danger of Denial in Substance Abuse – Inspire Malibu

I like to fool myself into thinking I am stronger than my addictive personality or any of my addictions. But I am not, I have known this for a long time but I always seem to think I can do it on my own. Honestly most of the time I like to think I do not have a problem, an issue or the addiction. My thing is I do not like to admit I am powerless over something.

I have lived through quite a journey in my life. I have suffered through abuse of all sorts. I have hidden and just rose above it. Or at least I thought I had rose above it. Instead I have continuously turned to different ways of avoiding my past.

Denial - Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse - HAVOCA

A have been drinking since I was 12 years old, for a long time it was weekend or binge drinking. Hell I could go weeks without drinking but when I did it was on and I did not know how to control it but I always thought I was in control. But like so many things in life if we do not watch what we do things get out of control. I was able to put a front on about my drinking for a long time. It was not until almost 5 years ago when my drinking started become a regular thing that I did not or could not go without.

I did not see how I was drinking as a problem. I mean I was getting up going to work and doing my job, I was taking care of my family and my house, I was paying bills and was not in legal trouble from it. Hell I work in corrections so obviously since I am on the right side of the desk I can’t possibly be an alcoholic, an addict.

Denial - An unconscious defense - Psychology

In the last year I have been stuck at Step 1 of admitting I am powerless over alcohol- that my life has become unmanageable. I have struggled with going to meetings or getting help with it. I have not hit what most would say is a rock bottom. I hit my bottom though on July 4, 2020 when I was so drunk that my 11-year-old daughter had to help me. That is embarrassing to admit, to be so drunk you cannot remember things about a holiday you spent with your daughter. As a parent I should be tucking my daughter in to bed not her making sure I get into bed safely. I know I have a problem. I know I have to start facing it and dealing with it. I also know I cannot do this journey alone.

That knowledge and that acceptance of that is where Step 2 comes in. Coming to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Now I believe in my higher Power of Jesus Christ. I have believed for many years. I want to give this over to God completely but I struggle here more because I do not like admitting I am powerless over this or any addiction.

But I am working my way through the steps on my own right and hoping I find a sponsor soon whom I can reach out to and work through the steps with. Will I ever be able to drink again like a normal person where I can drink on the rare occasion and control it… No I will not be able to. As much as I would love to say I could do that, I know that I won’t be able to. I am an addict and that is something I have to face and be okay with.

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